Published November 5, 2007
Chapter 1- The Beginning
The semiprecious, winged creatures of lore. They were said to be once humans, but then their DNA fused with the elements around them. Now, they are winged mutants. Some say that these ‘things’ can recreate that with which they are named. Others say that they are more fearsome in strength then the most powerful man that walks the earth. But one thing is for sure, they exist. No one knows how many, but each one is precious and hunted as if made of pure gold. But this, this is the tale of one of them. A tale of how a semiprecious found a girl, and recreated the meaning of the whole race’s existence….
A drop of water hit the cracked ground of Chimera, signifying the first rainfall within months. Townsfolk stretched out their heads, staring and cheering as the water began to fall in the forest-surrounded capital.
But, not all was joyful and calm around the newly-watered town. A figure ran upon the ever-wetting streets, her worm-out moccasins hitting the ground in a rhythmic pattern. A scythe jiggled in her hands, possessing a mahogany-wooded sheath and a stainless-steel blade. Shoulder-length, dark blue hair bounced upon her head, and her concentrated violet eyes never faltered off her current destination. Suddenly, she skidded to a halt, moving onto a new street.
She rushed passed several brick buildings, knowing what she searched for was close. She could hear it now, the steady beating of wings upon the air. A growl of frustration rose in her throat, and her black-colored shirt ruffled as she sped up.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,913 Literary Works • 673,731 Reviews
I agree with what they said, it's really short, personally, i would make it longer.
It's really detailed, which is good, but be careful. there is such thing as too detailed, and you're bordering on that.
We don't need the lady's full description right away; maybe just the basis, then weave in the more specific stuff as you go.
Other than that, great start. PM me when the rest comes out, please.
i like this...it is a start to a very good story, and to agree with Wolf...you do have some spelling errors in there that you need to fix, and since you have not worked on this since November i advise you to continue, as when some people wait a while after writing something, they forget what their ideas were going to be. i cannot wait for new chapters too and would love to read them. also, this chapter is a little short if you ask me, i think that you should make it longer. but whenever you get more chapters written, pm me and i will crit them and review them too. keep up the awesome writing!
~Dan
Thank you! And I will change those Errors after school.
You wrote:
Others say that they are more fearsome in strength then the most powerful man that walks the earth.
-------------------
It should be 'than' instead of 'then'
You wrote:
But one thing is for sure, they exist.
-------------
I would replace the comma after 'sure' with a semi-colon.
You wrote:
A growl of frustration rose in her throat, and her black-colored shirt ruffled as she sped up.
-------------------------------
Nothing wrong with it, but I'm bothered by the way you said 'black-colored' instead of just 'black'.
Overall:
Very nice! I liked your little paragraph in th beginning [about the semiprecious]; I thought that was useful for people who hadn't grasped the full meaning of the poem and just to clear things up a bit. ^^
I really don't have anything else to say; you structured it properly and only had a couple [2] typos (one mentioned by Gwen, the other by me).
It's a bit short, but oh well. Short but sweet
Keep up the good work! I hope to be reading more soon!
That's really nice!
You just made one spelling error. You put worm-out moccasins. Just put an N in the place of the M in worm
Well, there'll be a brief description of the forest in later chapter, so you'll see what happened to it. ^^
As for the other chapters, sure i'll PM you!
I luv this! It's just as good as I thought it would be from your poem. Make sure to tell me when more chapters come out.
I have a question though. If there hasn't been rain in months how can the city be forest-surrounded?